If there is one thing that we’ve learned, it’s that money cannot buy peace. It can’t even buy happiness. It can buy convenience, luxury, and instant gratification but it can’t afford the most precious of existential commodities. If only. I am learning that there are few things that can create and maintain peace and happiness. Those rarities are so hard to attain that people will go to any lengths to experience them- even for just a moment.
One of the most potent moments- one of which we have heightened above all others- is romantic relationships. It’s why we perceive life and society through the lens of love, romance, and erotica. We obsess over it, along with its tempting lover, sex. We eat it up thinking that to have this kind of relationship is to have reached the height of peace, contentment, and happiness.
The unfortunate truth is that this relationship doesn’t end up being the end all be all of peace, contentment, or happiness. We go through a period of disillusionment and disappointment when we find that this other person we placed so much of our hopes and dreams on ends up being just another human with flaws and problems. It isn’t perfect and life ends up being filled with struggle, disappointment, and yes, even pain.
I am turning thirty-six this year, and I have never been married. I have dated. I have had my fair share of relationships that have exhilarated and filled me with love and self-revelation, but I never have met anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I would argue that it’s been easier to be alone. As the readers may already know, I am a cancer survivor, and the recovery has been slow. On top of the recovery aspect of my life, I am also a sexual abuse survivor and have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I find that my spiritual health, mental, and physical health have taken a nosedive post-cancer, but the truth is that I have spent most of my life trying to do it all alone. I have a lone mentality when it comes to life. It hasn’t served me well.
I started seeing a cancer therapist and am working to get a trauma therapist to work out some of my reoccurring issues. But I felt that even though I was doing everything that my doctors and therapist were encouraging me to do, I was falling short of feeling peaceful, content, and dare I say, happy. I prayed and felt that the Lord was calling me to give Him six months. He wanted me to devote six months to Him. I had no idea what that meant. I knew that I felt it deeply inside, but I didn’t know how to put it into practice.
Honestly, if you’ve read my book, Tales of A Cancer Insomniac (available on Amazon and my website), you would know that I struggled with anger and disappointment during and after my treatments. The suffering seemed insurmountable. As a result of this pain that I was feeling, I did not want to give God any of my time. I pushed off listening to that voice for over a year.
Have you ever been where I have been? Has the anger felt like it was just under the skin, ready to erupt from a bottomless pit of pain? Has your contentment turned sour, and nothing brings peace and quiet to the mind? Has rest turned bitter and spoiled by frequent insomnia and a stressed-out and panicked mind? I think we can all relate to the endless worries this life supplies.
Last month, my heart softened to the idea of giving God those six months and as I have prepared my mind and my body for those six months, He has helped me see that by surrendering those months to Him, He is teaching me how I am giving myself the gift of grace, health mentally and physically, and renewal. There will be more on that revelation in the coming articles.
For now, I will say this time I spend with Him will rewrite the loner narrative that I have adopted for a healthier narrative. I don’t know what that will look like right now because God is still working. My articles will consist of topics on theology, my personal walk with exercise, health and wellness, and mental health. It won’t necessarily reflect a post cancer narrative, but cancer is a part of my life story. However, these posts are for anyone who resonates with similar circumstances and frustrations in life. We don’t need to be alone in life with Christ. Most importantly, we don’t need to be alone . . . period. While I refuse to adopt the Americanized obsession with romantic love, I know that love in any form feeds the soul. I want to focus on love during this season with God.
For now, I want to say that I invite my readers to join me in these coming six months. I begin January 1st and will end July 1st– just shy of my thirty-sixth birthday. If you resonate with anything that I’ve written, I encourage you to join me on this journey of wholeness through Christ, my health both mentally and physically, and renewal. You are invited to read the blogs that I post as I learn and grow through this journey. I hope to post once or twice a week as I journey through the six months. I hope that my journey blesses and inspires others who are feeling tired and drained from the ailments of this life. Let’s find renewal together.